Can you comment please, do you think this is good?
This is a part of a series. The first one's at: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiukSRg1tKDNzbGgchfCTSbsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080407040816AAM8Tym This is the second: I Fade Far So As Roses Fade Despairing souls depressing together durations preluding night, feature disillusion and desperation. Do you lie to sleep, my flux? Do you tire? No. Wrong. You awake dark, desire free of all restriction, determine delicious dissent in infectious dream, flight, least empty, an eternity, end me ever, far rosy fade, in lullaby. Coalescing space vegetation, sliding in less formed night, we, us, our, grace. Grails, fated aspirations in a mesa, filling repression gallows, god's fiddles, her's, just slaughter, ours, hands touching, ingredients of a season lighted in jest so severe so is lead to a life that is little in sad and beat in dead, feast, feeding. Thought of verse, do you fast? Lie, feed me, poison, do so, go, fade far so. Intent, you faked retribution for escape, from depth of soul, of sin revenged upon magical in end, a rose on my grave, in your woven thought, the wet return of your clatter gale, a demon destiny, delta, dread. I comprehend. I beg. That I was. But these messes I gave, and I am one no more. That higher was far the greater, that I fade in degrees far so as roses fade, far graver, far inapt. Thoughts few free. the part: feature disillusion and desperation, is actually: disillusion, desperation. That isn't random. It's the reference to we, us, our, grace. space evolution, from sun to us, in a slide
Poetry - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
You use a lot of confusing imagery, and it almost comes across as random. ie: coalescing space vegetation Also, go blank verse or compile your thoughts into a complete sentence. You have a lot quick bursts to sudden stops, which makes the work confusing and hard to read. One of the major purposes of art like this is to leave the reader with an impression or an emotion. Both of these things are difficult to find in this particular work. It will be good, just clean it up some.
2 :
I`ll start with...."but, what do I know..." because (and perhaps this is just because of the mood I`m in) I know how hard it is to put yourself "out there" and ask for opinions and criticism. You are essentially offering a piece of yourself for others to do with as they will, subjecting yourself to their views. But, for you to write the things you have written,,,there MUST BE within you somethng that sees... as few do. I am enraptured with your word associations...I cannot express with adequate adoration my minds reflections... This is in a sense unusual in that... I appreciate what you have written...but it is appreciated for doors opened within my own mind. New associations arise there hitherto unknown. (& I thrive upon the "new" and unknown) So...(therefore) I am in somewhat of a dilema... I think you have written what you have because of your own experience, insight & feelings...your perceptions....But only you can understand this as as only you have experienced it. But ....in stating these things there is a resounding note here...in my experience. I see my own experience in a broader way. What is poetry but the expression if inward things few care to address or delve into in a new way. As a stone thrown....into a deep dark canyon to listen for the sound of the finality of bottom. Then there are the echoes that surprise us in length of duration.... A return of our own thought... Your words are like a barrage of stones...so many, one after the other, that my mind lacks the ability to sort out all the sounds. Throw fewer at atime..and listen....but then.."What do I know..."
Title : Can you comment please, do you think this is good
Description : Can you comment please, do you think this is good? This is a part of a series. The first one's at: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/...